Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
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if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
😩😩😩
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.