Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
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I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
💯😂
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters