No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
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They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[eats all your cotton candy]
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*