Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
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Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Basically.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Sell your car
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…