“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
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Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
The sacred texts.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Why I divorced her.
When I snag the last meatball.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Put this video in the Louvre
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any