-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
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not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.