from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
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I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO