Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Thursday Thought.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?