TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
You Might Also Like
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.