The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
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Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
seems like a niche market
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.