Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
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Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Those are good neighbors.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.