What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
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i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
🤣dope
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down