I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
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As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Never let them know your next move 😂
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Just so funny
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.