Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
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H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Pizza is an emotion right?
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Before crowbars crows drank alone
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.