My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
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Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.