{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
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me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.