lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
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Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.