Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
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I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?