Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
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[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?