the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
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*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
FRED: right
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
thanks auntie mary
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“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”