[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
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Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭