[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
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You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
…..pretty much.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.