Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
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The first one, obviously
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.