i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
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My life coach traded me.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me