Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
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Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.