Plumber: I think I found the problem
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Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”