Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
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Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My sex drive has a dui
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird