Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
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[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
yes yes a thousand times yes!
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
When a shoelace touches your ankle
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Hank is one in a melon.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing