guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
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Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
God has left this place
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later