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I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.