“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
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Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
i wish i could marry a nap
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.