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The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.