At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
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Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back