this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
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ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.