Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
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Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
School be like
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ