Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
You Might Also Like
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Had to try this trend 😊
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.