I may be small, but so is a grenade.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha