do u think theres a butter planet?
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me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol