FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
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I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan