It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
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I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
me and my fake scenarios
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???