My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
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me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
won’t smith
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”