“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
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I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
my name if I was in the mob
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade