Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*