friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
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YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Happy Halloween 🎃
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.