So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
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no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
We’ve come full circle
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.