him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
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Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.