My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
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I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words