Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
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I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then