[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
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Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Girl, same.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.