the official breakfast of 2021
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Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Godspeed, John Glenn
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]